I’ve been listening to the audio book, The Aftermath of Billy Fingers by Annie Kagan. It’s a story of a sister who shares her journey with her brother and his journey into the Universe in Spirit form. I experienced a synchronicity while listening to the book that just occurred, and it’s something that Billy communicated to his sister. The message he gave was that he was preparing to enter into and become part of the Universe in which he stated, “I will be moving into the Universe where I will be nothing and everything at the same time. I will never again come to Earth. I will never leave you.”
If you’ve been following me via here and social media you will know of my struggles with happiness. During my state of unhappiness I became disconnected from Spirit communication, I created a blockage. As I move through my anxiety which involves letting go of control and expectations, I’m now opening and clearing myself of what no longer serves me. Last night my Grandmother came through and told me, “I’ve never left you“. This time spent in unhappiness I could feel it hear her anymore. Now I’ve been feeling her Spirit around me ever since. I am a psychic medium but I’m also a human being who struggles as well.
In the future I plan to create a mentorship for other psychic mediums who find themselves in similar situations and help them process what is happening. Awareness is key to change and development, so be on the lookout! If you’re not subscribed to my website & monthly newsletter and want to be comment below and I’ll send you a link to get signed up!
Have you ever just glazed up at the sky while you were an higher altitude of ground? If you have then you know what’s it’s like to see the entire Universe, or at least arms of the Milky Way galaxy… our galaxy. The other night upon arriving home around 12:30am from work I felt drawn to the sky above me. It felt like a magnetic pull and I refused to fight against it. Looking up I instantly became connected to the collective consciousness of the world around me. Yes, I am conscious of my role in today’s world but this feeling felt different. I felt as though my higher self was reminding me of my sole purpose in reincarnating at this time. I came to teach, to heal, ultimately to love others. Sometimes it’s not what you know, but it’s what you feel; there’s a tremendous amount of truth in feeling your way through this life.
Lately life has been ROUGH. That’s all caps and bold because there’s no other way I can quite describe it. I am in my final 5 weeks down to completing my Master’s program in addition to moving an hour away from my current job and internship. Every day I am at my internship site for a few hours then I work an 8 hour shift, and drive an hour home. I get home at 12am -ish and then go to sleep for a few hours, just to get up and do it all again. Oh and just not forget the fact that I just recovered from a chronic sinus infection that 3 rounds of antibiotics could not kill. I’ve spend 3 months of coughing incessantly with no to no sleep until 2 weeks again when I finally saw an Allergist and she prescribed me a steroid and antibiotics, which cleared me up QUICK. To say that I have been struggling these last 3 weeks is an understatement. I have spend many days and nights crying to myself, my therapist, my partner, and really anyone who pretends to want to listen. Honestly, I wish I had the affordability to quit work and focus entirely on graduating but that’s just not the reality I live in.
Whenever I struggle in life I tend to block the world from seeing this side of me. It’s like I have to maintain this certain image of myself to the world. I always have to be positive and hopeful; the carrier of light for others, but again, this is not the reality in which I live in. Shit is real, no one can always be positive and uplifting all the time and there’s no fucking shame in that. I STRUGGLE and I lost my HAPPINESS in the mist of trying to do everything I’m suppose to be doing. I lost sight of what happiness means for me. Spirituality and nature makes me happy but honestly I’ve been too exhausted to do anything close to these two things. Does this make me weak or less than the image you’ve created for me?
Learning to stay fully in the present is hard within chaos, but it’s doable. 5 weeks isn’t too far away and when I choose to stay in this moment I alleviate the thrills of anxiety, discouragement, and a place of swallowed darkness. I’m not always the uplifting spiritual teacher/ mentor but I’ll always be the realest spiritual teacher/mentor because at the end of each day I am a Spirit living a human existence. Forgive me for I shall not lie or pretend to be someone I’m not; I’m just Amber Choisella.
While listening to Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast episode (Podcast Addict) featuring an interview with the late and great Maya Angelou, I cried inside missing the voice of my beloved Grandmother. As Maya spoke I was reminded of truest fact that hold true within the entire Universe that love does not die, instead it saves and it stays with us, within and completing us.
Grief is experienced even from a medium, one who communicates with the dead, although dead of the body is not one’s true ending it is still as emotion even I constantly work through. In the words of Maya Angelou:
“I know for sure that love saves me”
Even though my Grandmother, my greatest love, is no longer in this 3D existence, her love for me will always save me and never abandon me. Love saves and aides all.
I’ve been having dreams as of lately (this past Friday 3/2) of my family that made it possible for me to be and it has left an emotional mark on me. My grandparents basically raised me but unlike a lot of grandparents who raised their grandchildren, my parents were also in the picture, so really it was an entire family raising my sister and I. My grandparents though, we the definition of a loving relationship, what a real marriage looks like. In every picture taken my Grandmother is always looking at my Grandfather with such love, no wonder why I love that way that I do. These are my maternal grandparents. If you’ve been following me for a while or from the beginning you would know how much my Grandmother’s presence in my life greatly impacted me. It will be two years in August that she has transitioned back to Spirit and 8 years for my Grandfather, yet when I’m going through a really hard time I feel their presence ever so strongly.
On Friday I woke up crying from a dream about my Grandparents. I woke up in grief. In my dream I was in a fairly large house full of chaos and I wanted to see my Grandfather. I found my Grandmother and asked her where he was and she told me he had “gone home to Louisiana”.
I called him and pleaded with him at this point to come back because I needed him and all he said was that he was home and he couldn’t be where I was anymore. Shortly after that my Grandmother informed that she too would be going home soon. I tried to process this while I was asleep but I woke up to a wet pillow. I’m currently in a state of transition, trying to figure out what is the best fit for me, what it looks like and what it feels like. It’s difficult to process and I’ve been really struggling with it now and of lately. The rest of the day I was depressed and in mourning because I miss being able to go to my Grandmother for a hug or a smile but whenever I’ve ever really needed her she’s always been available for me and that has never stopped. I’ve thankful to be so intuned to Spirit because I need to know that my Grandmother has never left me, her Spirit is the most important to me; soul mate connection.
I don’t know about your family but mine is “extra” but then again I’m a member of it so that means I’m extra too lol. I digress, my family is great! A few years ago they started a recognition award and the relative who gets recognized each year gets to choose who the award goes to the following year and so forth.
Last Saturday was our family holiday gathering. I was having a rough evening but I was around family so I was in the best place imaginable. I declined to play games with the family and watched the festivities happening around me. Then my aunt announced it was time to honor the previous relative this year (why, I’m not sure but I listened and was prepared to root her on). Claudia, my older cousin was awarded the year before and our uncle had some endearing words for her, it was touching you hear, then Claudia started talking about someone who always brightens a room with their presence and I remember thinking, “Wow this person sounds amazing”. I started twiddling my thumbs waiting for the speech to be over and then she said, “This year I chose Amber”.
Tears fell freely before I could accept what was just said. Me? She was talking about me the entire time, little ol’ me, weird strange ol’ me was being recognized by my family. Growing up I’ve always felt different from everyone around me and I was raised interacting mostly with my maternal side of the family. My Dad didn’t go around his side of the family often so my relationship with them began in my teenage and early adulthood. But anyways back to the story…
Claudia had gifted me with three very special items: a silver engraved business card case with Amber Choisella (first and middle name) on the front and a phrase of inspiration on the back. I would quote it but it’s at home and well, I’m not there at the moment. The second quick was a journal with “A. Choisella” engraved on the latch and lastly the third gift which is what I am holding in the picture above was the most precious of all three involved. She had drawn three pictures depicting the course of “discovery”, in which it was entitled. She had said that whenever I get my own private practice that I put it in my office to show clients that through each storm comes strength and continuous growth. I wish I had gotten a better angle of the picture to show its true beauty but I am thankful for the photo I received. I cried hysterically but you can’t see it in the photo. I am so touched that my family “understands” me and my route of truth.
By no mean do I feel as though I am better than anyone else. I feel as though I need to say this as a disclaimer of sorts because I’m no better than you, or the next person, I’m just tryna live my life per my soul mission. This was the highest honor that I have received this year and each day I realize the want for wants are decreasing and I’m just living in the moment of gratitude.
Abuse is never to okay but the experience alone is only inspired for growth. At the age of 18 I met a guy who I had no interest in building a long term fulfilling relationship with, yet he was right on time on this journey I call life. Michael was not my type, we had nothing really in common with one another but he was obsessed with me and at the tender age of 18 I felt intrigued by that. I felt a drawing to his “need” for me. I am a nurturer and it was as if he knew that and never wanted to let go. The relationship was very tumultuous, draining, and I become someone I didn’t even know. I started to mirror his behaviors and I became a monster. It was my only defensive mechanism against him. The cheating, hitting, the emotional lacerations that never were allowed to heal, to the moments I felt like I would die without him, without the dysfunction that became my normality.
Broken people hurt and break other people. With that said, it was a vicious cycle that ended in a physical altercation with one of the mother of his children, consistent harassment and attacks, which ultimately led to a 5 year restraining order. Fast forward to 7 years later, when I felt a strong desire to trek onto a psilocybin journey and so I did. The journey began with feelings that came up from the traumatic history I had with him and initially I was frustrated because I didn’t want this to be a bad trip and it wasn’t. I journeyed onward past him but that’s another story. If you want to read the rest about my trip check out My Psilocybin Trip. Anyways, so I haven’t seen him since I had him served with a restraining order and I thought everything had been worked through but I was wrong because the next day when I walked directly past him, even with a strong and seemingly nonchalant face, my inside was chaotic, spewing swords and stones, and so it was I broke down. Not because I realized I had feelings for him but because of the releasing I was still doing. The psilocybin uncovered the trauma and brought it to the surface and the Universe allowed us to cross each other presenting an opportunity to heal.
Will I ever forget all that he did to me, no, am I able to forgive myself for the mirroring that I did within the relationship and harm that I had done, yes. Since I do I have a clinical counseling background in addition to attending counseling myself, I understand that broken people hurt and break other people and then I entered into a space of loving-kindness. Loving self is more than just individual, it’s the ability to forgive yourself and others and be able to see others as another soul just trying to stay on track of their own soul contract, their own reasoning for incarnation. I’m by no means stating that abuse is okay because it’s not; understanding where you stand in all the chaos and finding your strength, ability, and wisdom out of the situation is the most fulfilling lesson, in hindsight. Psilocybin granted passage for me to heal trauma and release energy that was no longer needed within my root and sacral chakras. Healing is powerful, you are powerful, never forget your origins. You are of the Universe Baby, remember that always.
*Inserted a picture of driving through Washington state for its tranquility.
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