I don’t know about your family but mine is “extra” but then again I’m a member of it so that means I’m extra too lol. I digress, my family is great! A few years ago they started a recognition award and the relative who gets recognized each year gets to choose who the award goes to the following year and so forth.
Last Saturday was our family holiday gathering. I was having a rough evening but I was around family so I was in the best place imaginable. I declined to play games with the family and watched the festivities happening around me. Then my aunt announced it was time to honor the previous relative this year (why, I’m not sure but I listened and was prepared to root her on). Claudia, my older cousin was awarded the year before and our uncle had some endearing words for her, it was touching you hear, then Claudia started talking about someone who always brightens a room with their presence and I remember thinking, “Wow this person sounds amazing”. I started twiddling my thumbs waiting for the speech to be over and then she said, “This year I chose Amber”.
Tears fell freely before I could accept what was just said. Me? She was talking about me the entire time, little ol’ me, weird strange ol’ me was being recognized by my family. Growing up I’ve always felt different from everyone around me and I was raised interacting mostly with my maternal side of the family. My Dad didn’t go around his side of the family often so my relationship with them began in my teenage and early adulthood. But anyways back to the story…
Claudia had gifted me with three very special items: a silver engraved business card case with Amber Choisella (first and middle name) on the front and a phrase of inspiration on the back. I would quote it but it’s at home and well, I’m not there at the moment. The second quick was a journal with “A. Choisella” engraved on the latch and lastly the third gift which is what I am holding in the picture above was the most precious of all three involved. She had drawn three pictures depicting the course of “discovery”, in which it was entitled. She had said that whenever I get my own private practice that I put it in my office to show clients that through each storm comes strength and continuous growth. I wish I had gotten a better angle of the picture to show its true beauty but I am thankful for the photo I received. I cried hysterically but you can’t see it in the photo. I am so touched that my family “understands” me and my route of truth.
By no mean do I feel as though I am better than anyone else. I feel as though I need to say this as a disclaimer of sorts because I’m no better than you, or the next person, I’m just tryna live my life per my soul mission. This was the highest honor that I have received this year and each day I realize the want for wants are decreasing and I’m just living in the moment of gratitude.
Abuse is never to okay but the experience alone is only inspired for growth. At the age of 18 I met a guy who I had no interest in building a long term fulfilling relationship with, yet he was right on time on this journey I call life. Michael was not my type, we had nothing really in common with one another but he was obsessed with me and at the tender age of 18 I felt intrigued by that. I felt a drawing to his “need” for me. I am a nurturer and it was as if he knew that and never wanted to let go. The relationship was very tumultuous, draining, and I become someone I didn’t even know. I started to mirror his behaviors and I became a monster. It was my only defensive mechanism against him. The cheating, hitting, the emotional lacerations that never were allowed to heal, to the moments I felt like I would die without him, without the dysfunction that became my normality.
Broken people hurt and break other people. With that said, it was a vicious cycle that ended in a physical altercation with one of the mother of his children, consistent harassment and attacks, which ultimately led to a 5 year restraining order. Fast forward to 7 years later, when I felt a strong desire to trek onto a psilocybin journey and so I did. The journey began with feelings that came up from the traumatic history I had with him and initially I was frustrated because I didn’t want this to be a bad trip and it wasn’t. I journeyed onward past him but that’s another story. If you want to read the rest about my trip check out My Psilocybin Trip. Anyways, so I haven’t seen him since I had him served with a restraining order and I thought everything had been worked through but I was wrong because the next day when I walked directly past him, even with a strong and seemingly nonchalant face, my inside was chaotic, spewing swords and stones, and so it was I broke down. Not because I realized I had feelings for him but because of the releasing I was still doing. The psilocybin uncovered the trauma and brought it to the surface and the Universe allowed us to cross each other presenting an opportunity to heal.
Will I ever forget all that he did to me, no, am I able to forgive myself for the mirroring that I did within the relationship and harm that I had done, yes. Since I do I have a clinical counseling background in addition to attending counseling myself, I understand that broken people hurt and break other people and then I entered into a space of loving-kindness. Loving self is more than just individual, it’s the ability to forgive yourself and others and be able to see others as another soul just trying to stay on track of their own soul contract, their own reasoning for incarnation. I’m by no means stating that abuse is okay because it’s not; understanding where you stand in all the chaos and finding your strength, ability, and wisdom out of the situation is the most fulfilling lesson, in hindsight. Psilocybin granted passage for me to heal trauma and release energy that was no longer needed within my root and sacral chakras. Healing is powerful, you are powerful, never forget your origins. You are of the Universe Baby, remember that always.
*Inserted a picture of driving through Washington state for its tranquility.
Last night I had a dream. In the dream I was surrounded by bears. It frightened me because bears poses an imminent threat to humans if we’re too close, yet upon waking up I KNEW that this was a symbolic dream. Upon researching I found an article entitled, Bear Spirit Animal and found these meanings:
The bear has several meanings that will inspire those who have this animal as totem:
The primary meaning of the bear spirit animal is strength and confidence
Standing against adversity; taking action and leadership
The spirit of the the bear indicates it’s time for healing or using healing abilities to help self or others
The bear medicine emphasizes the importance of solitude, quiet time, rest
The spirit of the bear provides strong grounding forces
It felt amazing. I had my first healing session of Reiki today and I have to admit I did not anticipate on feeling so tired afterwards, honestly. So before I tell you the after effects let me tell you the story first.
I am training as a counselor here in Sacramento, CA and the site that I’m with, my supervisor happens to be a Reiki Master. This is a fact that I have recently just found out, but it’s another colleague of mine who performed reiki today. She rents a room in the office to perform Reiki for clients (outside of the mental health counseling field). I asked for a session since she will also be training me as well. She is a Reiki Master too. It’s so interesting that this is the route I’m going now, because it appears it’s what’s surrounding me right now. Ok ok, now the session…
I had an hour session. She asked what areas I wanted more attention on and I told her to focus more on my throat and sacral areas. I asked for my ancestors, loved ones, and Guardian Angels to come in and assist as well. I started to feel the energy as soon as she started. Once she made it to my lower chakras I immediately felt the strong urge to urinate, as if I had been holding it forever so we took a break and I ran to the bathroom to relieve my bladder and the released energy my body was no longer holding onto. I went back into the room and when we started up again, I felt a strong chill from the top of my head straight down to the bottom of my feet, multiple times. Following this sensation I felt the presence of other healers working on me as well, I felt that they were ancestral, but that was all the information I received. I didn’t question it, I just accepted the flow and everything that was happening within and beside me. I also had a flashback to a past life of when I was in Ancient Egypt. I was looking up at a wall made out of gold. I did not see any hieroglyphics but it felt familiar and then I was back in the present moment. When she was done with the healing she informed me that she too picked up some past life stuff relating to my sacral chakra and felt the energy of my ancestors as well during the healing session.
As I said before, this was an amazing experience. Which leads me to my previous question, how am I going to be trained for energy healing if I’ve never experienced it, that’s not honest, in my eyes. I am so excited and on board with this journey that I’m embarking upon consistently. I have started my E-book, The 5 Keys to Becoming Spiritually Confident, so please be on the lookout for it very soon!
Today is my last day with the organization that I currently work for. It’s been almost of year of true hardships and major growth! Growth is not easy and if it were it wouldn’t be worthy. I’ve spent a lot of time being miserable but once I was able to accept my surroundings I was able to open my eyes and receive the gift of the present. I amended some broken relationships and then it was time for me to leave. I am proud of my growth and am excited to the new chapter in my professional role as counselor!!!!
Yesterday I experienced my first solo trip via psilocybin aka the Magic Mushroom. I had no expectations and was accepting of everything I would endure. Weeks prior I had purchased an 1/8th of mushroom which is really about 5 or 6 stems. I kept them until I felt it was the right time to and the feeling came yesterday. I received an energetic healing through the use of light language from my previous post Healing Through Meditation, Light Language, and Isis’s Gift. The healing basically cleared out my solar plexus. I had issues from past life traumas that needed to be released. During my trip I released even more blockages.
When I ingested my first few stems it was 5:15pm and after waiting an hour and not feeling anything I decided to take the remaining stems. I decided to lay down besides the love of my life who was currently doing his homework. He had previously agreed to watch over me and make sure I made it through the trip. I started feeling cold I decided to turn on the portable heater and lay in front of it and that’s where my trip began. Immediately started to cry uncontrollably because I was experiencing the pain of my first long term relationship. I felt all the pain as if it had just been felt. My love found me on the floor and carried me to bed where I sat up in bed and experienced what felt like past life and inter-dimensional experiences. What I mean by inter-dimensional is situations and circumstances that were occurring, have occurred, or what could have occurred simultaneously. I felt the loss of my Grandmother and fell into a deep brief sorrow when he grabbed me and held me talking me through the experience. I saw the plants in our bedroom reaching out to me which did not disturb me, it made me feel like everything was a part of one another. I remember saying, “I’m okay and okay” for hours. I was receiving information and at times it felt overwhelming and I felt like I was in touch with the 3D reality then I was within another dimension the next second. It was very enlightening, very self-reflective.
I recommend anyone who wants to try this to have someone with them whom they trust wholeheartedly just in case the trip goes bad, because it’s possible. This was definitely a therapeutic experience, and I will treat it as one of enlightenment. It is a source of discovery given to humanity from the Earth. This is similar to the ceremonial process of Ayahuasca, from Indigenous Peruvian shamans in the Amazon. This is a sacred process and should always be treated as such.
On Friday the 14th I took a brief hiking hiatus with one I call Auntie Judy. Auntie Judy is my best friend’s sister’s aunt who happens to be an amazing lightworker who is advanced in her abilities. She reached out to me on Thursday and asked if i would want to go on a early morning hike the next morning. Normally I’m hesitant because I see counseling clients every day before I go to work and I was worried I wouldn’t get back to the office in time, but I felt like I needed to go so I went. We hiked down to a lagoon and she performed healing on me implementing light language and inviting my guides and any beings that want to come in and help heal me. Light language is an universal language that differs depending on the origin of spiritual entity that is assisting with healing process. Auntie Judy informed me that different entities that were present for my healing involved fairies, Archangel Metatron and Archangel Raphael, a Pleiadian guide, an Arcturian, and the Egyptian Goddess Isis. With each energy the flow of the language changed. The language is difficult to explain but it’s made of different sounds and frequency of hums.
I had some past life trauma located in my solar plexus which was affecting me in this lifetime. I sat on a rock and closed my eyes while Auntie Judy invited energetic beings from the higher realms and of higher vibration to come in and assist me in healing. During the healing I saw blackness coming out of my 3rd chakra and envisioned electric yellow replacing the darkness; it was then that Auntie Judy informed me that Isis was coming in and presented a gift of the Ankh to me, placing it directly in my 3rd chakra. She admitted this is something she has never seen before and encouraged me to research and meditate on the meaning of the symbol. The Ankh symbolizes eternal life and signifies wisdom in addition to insight on the highest level. Wisdom and insight are two keys that I am actively always trying to obtain because knowledge is power!