Dreams and Flickering Lights

Losing my Grandmother in the physical aspect was my worst living nightmare, even as a child just the thought traumatized me. I know now it’s because of our soul connection to one another and the many lifetimes we’ve shared that created this fear of…. potentially losing her. 

When the day finally came and her soul broke free, I felt alone, utterly alone but she always find ways to remind me of her presence, even on the day she passed on. 

I dream about her often, sense her presence, and acknowledge whenever she speaks to me. Hearing her is different now, but whenever I do I never doubt it. 

This morning while doing my hair and listening to one of Theresa Caputo’s audiobooks, the light flickered. It happened right when Theresa was talking about signs from loved ones. Thanks Babe.

I’ll miss my Grandmother for the rest of my life but I have so much of her left within me along with videos and pictures to remind me of her, so that the time I have left on this Earth won’t feel like it’s too far away from our reunion together.

If you’ve recently lost a loved one, I only hope that reading this brings you some type of comfort in knowing that our loved ones are never too far away and are always in our hearts. That’s comforting to know if anything else. 

Ode to Janel

We met in the fourth grade but fuuucckkk 27 years,  27 years isn’t long enough. 

I’m angry. I’m heartbroken. 

I’m a lot of things because I can’t understand why, but then again it’s not meant for me to. 

We spent a lot of time together in our early twenties. Smoked a lot of blunts together, now this letter or whatever this is just feels strange. 

I used to call your Mom, Mom and you showed me things in your culture, you talked to me about your secrets, and I never judged you for that. You never judged me for my shit and I would laugh and say, “that’s cuz you with the shit”. Now that’s it, in this realm anyway. 

You’re in a time and space where you’re anywhere and everywhere. A space where you’ll always be with your daughter and everyone else who loves you. 
The young and beautiful live forever; you’ll live forever in my spirit, until our next lifetime together. 

I love you. 

Anxiety, We Meet Again

Sitting in the counselor’s lobby waiting for my counseling session, early because I had no where to go to waste time before my appointment. I decided to come early and work on my homework which coincidentally is focused on bereavement within a family system.

Panic is running from my heart through my mind and body and I’ll never be ready for the funeral tomorrow. Babe’s funeral, HER funeral, HER birthday would have been/is tomorrow…. I just CAN’T.

Reading my e-book textbook, I read this and stop:

Transition periods are often characterized by upheaval, rethinking of previous and future commitments, and openness to change.

-McGoldrick, Garcia-Preto, & Carter (2016)

August 20th was the day my life changed and September 9th will be the day a part of me died and became resurrected…..

 

 

McGoldrick, M., Garcia Preto, N., & Carter, B. (2016). The expanding family life cycle: Individual, family, and social perspectives (5th ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson.

Depression is my Un-Routed Road to New Beginnings

Depression is common and it’s treatable. I’m NOT ashamed to say I’m depressed. Yesterday I just wanted to stay in bed away from the outside world but because I’m loved I wasn’t allowed to. Instead I was brought out to Berkeley to watch the sunset out in the bay. Everyday is different, so when people ask me how I’m doing, I just say I’m doing _____ right now.

A week before I knew she would pass I reached out for grief counseling. I missed my first appointment last week due to living in a blur all week so my second first session is on the 31st. It’s good to recognize what you need and to find the needed resources to help you through any crisis life throws your way. We all grieve differently from one another… this is part of how I grieve….

 

Greater than Grief; Spirit Communication

Two weeks before my grandmother passed I asked if she could come back to me in Spirit so I could see and make sure that she would be okay, even though I knew she would be, but the request definitely was for my own ease of mind. She said she didn’t know if she could but if she could she would come back to me. 

I had no idea that she would leave her body so soon after we had that conversation. Heartbreaking, yet heartbroken is probably the reason why she hasn’t been able to come through.

Through synchronicity today I was told by two people and while listening to one of my podcasts, “Grief may be the reason why Spirits aren’t able to communicate, it creates a blockage. Love is the only way that Spirit can come through. Instead of grieving I need to continue the love that I have for her.

When I was 21 years young I had a conversation with my grandmother that created an even closer bond between her and I. She told me that one day she had me and twin in a stroller and had taken us to the grocery store. A woman came up to her and asked her if she knew which one of us was the spiritual one. She said she didn’t know and the woman pointed to me and said that I was the spiritual one. From then on out Babe never doubted what I told her and she was my number one confidant when it came to discussing my spiritual communication and experiences. She even came to my Spiritualist church to watch my first talk on the podium. These are the  things I will always remember, these are the moments that’s gotta be greater than grief. 

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Looking down the cliff in Mendocino. 

Migraines, Nausea, and Grief

I’m sitting in a dentist chair waiting for my examination and I can’t help but to think about my sudden migraine attack earlier this afternoon.

After lunch I suddenly felt faint and a throbbing pain in my right eye which indicated an oncoming migraine. I waited too long to take some Excedrin Migraine pills and suddenly I felt that the little bit of lunch I just had would come up as I kept running to the bathroom, worshipping the Porcelain King. I’ve NEVER experienced a migraine of this amplitude… 

And it’s all because of grief. I guess I’m not handling this well, guess I’m really not as strong as people keep telling me. Whelp, my grief counseling begins on Friday…. relief is in sight….hopefully sooner than later….

Missing You

I feel like I’m walking within a fog. No matter how spiritual I am, no matter my inner truths, I’m human and I’m heartbroken. 

Yesterday when you left this existence I found myself in a thrift store, searching, soul searching, waiting to hear from you. Upon paying for my purchase I turn to my right and I find this pendant that says, Special Grandmother, what are the odds of coming across this? 

I knew that was a message from you, but still I’ll be forever missing you. My heart will heal eventually….

On Death & Dying

Anyone who is familiar with this subject knows about Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Kubler-Ross spent her professional career caring for and investigating the subject of death and dying. She is the one who coined the phrase of, “death denying society”, in which the majority of the world rests within. Society doesn’t like or feel comfortable about this topic even though it is a natural part of life; the inevitable end one of one’s journey and the beginning of the next. This is by no means to negate the fact that experiencing death and dying is often a painful both physically and emotionally aspect of life.

I speak freely about my experiences because it aids me on own path, to live in my truth is everything to me. The quotes from Kubler-Ross that best resonates with what I’m experiencing now are as followed:

“When we have passed the tests we are sent to Earth to learn, we are allowed to graduate. We are allowed to shed our body, which imprisons our souls.”
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross(The Wheel of Life, 1997)

“Death is simply a shedding of the physical body like the butterfly shedding its cocoon. It is no different from taking off a suit of clothes one no longer needs. It is a transition to a higher state of consciousness where you continue to perceive, to understand, to laugh, and to be able to grow.”
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross(Life Lessons, 2000)

Again, this does not pacify nor rectify my feelings about death and dying; change of any kind is difficult. Yet, it’s never really a goodbye, more like, a see ya sooner than later.

I posted about my methods of moving through grief through another blog site that I write with, BayArt, if interested please check it out.

This is a difficult time for me so thank you for allowing me a space for me to be honest and open about my feelings. It’s hard, and that is definitely an understatement. Since I am studying mental health counseling I am seriously considering on getting some counseling to aid me along with this process so that I can receive more help and learn how to assist other’s on this specific journey throughout my counseling career.

Yes, I am listening to the Peanuts Track List, entitled, Feeling A Bit Like Charlie Brown, on my Spotify, it’s another one of my coping strategies, jazz does that for me.

Snoopy and Grief