Memorializing the Life of Babe a Year Later

Everyday, I think about her everyday but when I woke up this morning my soul wept. It wept because it reminded this was the date that she made her transition, a year ago. We communicate with one another daily but it doesn’t change the fact she is no longer in this 3D form of existence.

A few days ago she told me that I need to go to church because I had been contemplating going on a solo hike, she insisted that I go to church instead, so I did. I was late but I got to service before it ended. Reverend was giving spirit greetings and within 5 minutes Spirit directed her to me. She immediately brought in my Grandmother and I just wept loudly. No one in service knew what today meant, no one. I’m not surprised either. As soon as I stepped into the church my vibrational frequency changed from a lower level to a higher loving level.

I spoke to the Reverend after church and she advised me to grab a white candle to acknowledge her day before going into a deep meditation. I brought the candle and have it lit next to her photo. I’m in bed now because grieving is exhausting but I’ll be okay. Her Spirit has never left me just her body, yet a part of me will always grieve her passing. Her Spirit is always with me but I’m still human.

August 19th, 2016

I never thought this would be the last night I would spend with Babe on this 3D existence of life. Originally I had planned on spending the night along with my twin sister because now that Babe was on hospice we wanted to spend as much time with her that we could. Before arriving to the hospital I called the nurse’s station and requested for any extra pull out chair so that we both could spend the night but when I entered into the room there was only one. So I did what I always done I took a seat right next to Babe.

She was unconscious at this point but she looked like she was sleeping peacefully even sounded like she was snoring, but that sound was actually a sign of actively dying, which I found out later. I brought a Sylvie Brown book on life in the afterlife and started reading it to her. The photo below is a picture that my sister took while I was reading to her. It doesn’t look like it but Babe is laying in the bed comfortably underneath her blanket. It wasn’t an emotionally hard night for me surprisingly, we had been with her every night since we found out this would be her last stay in the hospital.

This was a Friday night however this began the following Thursday night. I had been pet sitting for my sister’s best friend and was waiting a long time to take the dog back to her parent’s house because my sister and I were flying up to Portland, OR to attend our cousin’s graduation from college. I ended up visiting my grandmother at 8:30pm. When I entered into the room I instantly knew something was wrong, very wrong. She didn’t look like herself and when I touched her she was clammy. She said her stomach hurt which wasn’t unusual but when she asked for a Kleenex to spit up in she threw up dark brown fluid, which was bile. I called for the CNA’s to help clean her up and in that very moment I experienced tunnel vision with Babe. Our soul’s communicated and she told me, “I’m done”, and I immediately started to cry. I heard her in my mind if that makes sense, and I knew then it was the beginning of the end of this journey for her and I both.

Around 12:30am on the 19th I decided to leave and go home. I got up out of my seat and came around the bed and held her bruised hand, and with my other free hand I wipe something from her face and kissed her on her forehead and said, “Ok Babe I’ll see you tomorrow when I spend the night”. I said goodnight to my sister and said “I love you Babe” and immediately I heard in my head, “I love you too”. I verbally recognized this my sister and told her that her spirit was still with her.

Three and a half hours later I received a call from my mother saying, “She’s gone, Mama’s gone”, the day my entire life changed.

Dreams and Flickering Lights

Losing my Grandmother in the physical aspect was my worst living nightmare, even as a child just the thought traumatized me. I know now it’s because of our soul connection to one another and the many lifetimes we’ve shared that created this fear of…. potentially losing her. 

When the day finally came and her soul broke free, I felt alone, utterly alone but she always find ways to remind me of her presence, even on the day she passed on. 

I dream about her often, sense her presence, and acknowledge whenever she speaks to me. Hearing her is different now, but whenever I do I never doubt it. 

This morning while doing my hair and listening to one of Theresa Caputo’s audiobooks, the light flickered. It happened right when Theresa was talking about signs from loved ones. Thanks Babe.

I’ll miss my Grandmother for the rest of my life but I have so much of her left within me along with videos and pictures to remind me of her, so that the time I have left on this Earth won’t feel like it’s too far away from our reunion together.

If you’ve recently lost a loved one, I only hope that reading this brings you some type of comfort in knowing that our loved ones are never too far away and are always in our hearts. That’s comforting to know if anything else. 

Ode to Janel

We met in the fourth grade but fuuucckkk 27 years,  27 years isn’t long enough. 

I’m angry. I’m heartbroken. 

I’m a lot of things because I can’t understand why, but then again it’s not meant for me to. 

We spent a lot of time together in our early twenties. Smoked a lot of blunts together, now this letter or whatever this is just feels strange. 

I used to call your Mom, Mom and you showed me things in your culture, you talked to me about your secrets, and I never judged you for that. You never judged me for my shit and I would laugh and say, “that’s cuz you with the shit”. Now that’s it, in this realm anyway. 

You’re in a time and space where you’re anywhere and everywhere. A space where you’ll always be with your daughter and everyone else who loves you. 
The young and beautiful live forever; you’ll live forever in my spirit, until our next lifetime together. 

I love you. 

Anxiety, We Meet Again

Sitting in the counselor’s lobby waiting for my counseling session, early because I had no where to go to waste time before my appointment. I decided to come early and work on my homework which coincidentally is focused on bereavement within a family system.

Panic is running from my heart through my mind and body and I’ll never be ready for the funeral tomorrow. Babe’s funeral, HER funeral, HER birthday would have been/is tomorrow…. I just CAN’T.

Reading my e-book textbook, I read this and stop:

Transition periods are often characterized by upheaval, rethinking of previous and future commitments, and openness to change.

-McGoldrick, Garcia-Preto, & Carter (2016)

August 20th was the day my life changed and September 9th will be the day a part of me died and became resurrected…..

 

 

McGoldrick, M., Garcia Preto, N., & Carter, B. (2016). The expanding family life cycle: Individual, family, and social perspectives (5th ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson.

Depression is my Un-Routed Road to New Beginnings

Depression is common and it’s treatable. I’m NOT ashamed to say I’m depressed. Yesterday I just wanted to stay in bed away from the outside world but because I’m loved I wasn’t allowed to. Instead I was brought out to Berkeley to watch the sunset out in the bay. Everyday is different, so when people ask me how I’m doing, I just say I’m doing _____ right now.

A week before I knew she would pass I reached out for grief counseling. I missed my first appointment last week due to living in a blur all week so my second first session is on the 31st. It’s good to recognize what you need and to find the needed resources to help you through any crisis life throws your way. We all grieve differently from one another… this is part of how I grieve….

 

Greater than Grief; Spirit Communication

Two weeks before my grandmother passed I asked if she could come back to me in Spirit so I could see and make sure that she would be okay, even though I knew she would be, but the request definitely was for my own ease of mind. She said she didn’t know if she could but if she could she would come back to me. 

I had no idea that she would leave her body so soon after we had that conversation. Heartbreaking, yet heartbroken is probably the reason why she hasn’t been able to come through.

Through synchronicity today I was told by two people and while listening to one of my podcasts, “Grief may be the reason why Spirits aren’t able to communicate, it creates a blockage. Love is the only way that Spirit can come through. Instead of grieving I need to continue the love that I have for her.

When I was 21 years young I had a conversation with my grandmother that created an even closer bond between her and I. She told me that one day she had me and twin in a stroller and had taken us to the grocery store. A woman came up to her and asked her if she knew which one of us was the spiritual one. She said she didn’t know and the woman pointed to me and said that I was the spiritual one. From then on out Babe never doubted what I told her and she was my number one confidant when it came to discussing my spiritual communication and experiences. She even came to my Spiritualist church to watch my first talk on the podium. These are the  things I will always remember, these are the moments that’s gotta be greater than grief. 

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Looking down the cliff in Mendocino. 

Migraines, Nausea, and Grief

I’m sitting in a dentist chair waiting for my examination and I can’t help but to think about my sudden migraine attack earlier this afternoon.

After lunch I suddenly felt faint and a throbbing pain in my right eye which indicated an oncoming migraine. I waited too long to take some Excedrin Migraine pills and suddenly I felt that the little bit of lunch I just had would come up as I kept running to the bathroom, worshipping the Porcelain King. I’ve NEVER experienced a migraine of this amplitude… 

And it’s all because of grief. I guess I’m not handling this well, guess I’m really not as strong as people keep telling me. Whelp, my grief counseling begins on Friday…. relief is in sight….hopefully sooner than later….