While listening to Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast episode (Podcast Addict) featuring an interview with the late and great Maya Angelou, I cried inside missing the voice of my beloved Grandmother. As Maya spoke I was reminded of truest fact that hold true within the entire Universe that love does not die, instead it saves and it stays with us, within and completing us.
Grief is experienced even from a medium, one who communicates with the dead, although dead of the body is not one’s true ending it is still as emotion even I constantly work through. In the words of Maya Angelou:
“I know for sure that love saves me”
Even though my Grandmother, my greatest love, is no longer in this 3D existence, her love for me will always save me and never abandon me. Love saves and aides all.
I don’t know about your family but mine is “extra” but then again I’m a member of it so that means I’m extra too lol. I digress, my family is great! A few years ago they started a recognition award and the relative who gets recognized each year gets to choose who the award goes to the following year and so forth.
Last Saturday was our family holiday gathering. I was having a rough evening but I was around family so I was in the best place imaginable. I declined to play games with the family and watched the festivities happening around me. Then my aunt announced it was time to honor the previous relative this year (why, I’m not sure but I listened and was prepared to root her on). Claudia, my older cousin was awarded the year before and our uncle had some endearing words for her, it was touching you hear, then Claudia started talking about someone who always brightens a room with their presence and I remember thinking, “Wow this person sounds amazing”. I started twiddling my thumbs waiting for the speech to be over and then she said, “This year I chose Amber”.
Tears fell freely before I could accept what was just said. Me? She was talking about me the entire time, little ol’ me, weird strange ol’ me was being recognized by my family. Growing up I’ve always felt different from everyone around me and I was raised interacting mostly with my maternal side of the family. My Dad didn’t go around his side of the family often so my relationship with them began in my teenage and early adulthood. But anyways back to the story…
Claudia had gifted me with three very special items: a silver engraved business card case with Amber Choisella (first and middle name) on the front and a phrase of inspiration on the back. I would quote it but it’s at home and well, I’m not there at the moment. The second quick was a journal with “A. Choisella” engraved on the latch and lastly the third gift which is what I am holding in the picture above was the most precious of all three involved. She had drawn three pictures depicting the course of “discovery”, in which it was entitled. She had said that whenever I get my own private practice that I put it in my office to show clients that through each storm comes strength and continuous growth. I wish I had gotten a better angle of the picture to show its true beauty but I am thankful for the photo I received. I cried hysterically but you can’t see it in the photo. I am so touched that my family “understands” me and my route of truth.
By no mean do I feel as though I am better than anyone else. I feel as though I need to say this as a disclaimer of sorts because I’m no better than you, or the next person, I’m just tryna live my life per my soul mission. This was the highest honor that I have received this year and each day I realize the want for wants are decreasing and I’m just living in the moment of gratitude.
Abuse is never to okay but the experience alone is only inspired for growth. At the age of 18 I met a guy who I had no interest in building a long term fulfilling relationship with, yet he was right on time on this journey I call life. Michael was not my type, we had nothing really in common with one another but he was obsessed with me and at the tender age of 18 I felt intrigued by that. I felt a drawing to his “need” for me. I am a nurturer and it was as if he knew that and never wanted to let go. The relationship was very tumultuous, draining, and I become someone I didn’t even know. I started to mirror his behaviors and I became a monster. It was my only defensive mechanism against him. The cheating, hitting, the emotional lacerations that never were allowed to heal, to the moments I felt like I would die without him, without the dysfunction that became my normality.
Broken people hurt and break other people. With that said, it was a vicious cycle that ended in a physical altercation with one of the mother of his children, consistent harassment and attacks, which ultimately led to a 5 year restraining order. Fast forward to 7 years later, when I felt a strong desire to trek onto a psilocybin journey and so I did. The journey began with feelings that came up from the traumatic history I had with him and initially I was frustrated because I didn’t want this to be a bad trip and it wasn’t. I journeyed onward past him but that’s another story. If you want to read the rest about my trip check out My Psilocybin Trip. Anyways, so I haven’t seen him since I had him served with a restraining order and I thought everything had been worked through but I was wrong because the next day when I walked directly past him, even with a strong and seemingly nonchalant face, my inside was chaotic, spewing swords and stones, and so it was I broke down. Not because I realized I had feelings for him but because of the releasing I was still doing. The psilocybin uncovered the trauma and brought it to the surface and the Universe allowed us to cross each other presenting an opportunity to heal.
Will I ever forget all that he did to me, no, am I able to forgive myself for the mirroring that I did within the relationship and harm that I had done, yes. Since I do I have a clinical counseling background in addition to attending counseling myself, I understand that broken people hurt and break other people and then I entered into a space of loving-kindness. Loving self is more than just individual, it’s the ability to forgive yourself and others and be able to see others as another soul just trying to stay on track of their own soul contract, their own reasoning for incarnation. I’m by no means stating that abuse is okay because it’s not; understanding where you stand in all the chaos and finding your strength, ability, and wisdom out of the situation is the most fulfilling lesson, in hindsight. Psilocybin granted passage for me to heal trauma and release energy that was no longer needed within my root and sacral chakras. Healing is powerful, you are powerful, never forget your origins. You are of the Universe Baby, remember that always.
*Inserted a picture of driving through Washington state for its tranquility.
Today is my last day with the organization that I currently work for. It’s been almost of year of true hardships and major growth! Growth is not easy and if it were it wouldn’t be worthy. I’ve spent a lot of time being miserable but once I was able to accept my surroundings I was able to open my eyes and receive the gift of the present. I amended some broken relationships and then it was time for me to leave. I am proud of my growth and am excited to the new chapter in my professional role as counselor!!!!
There is no real separation among mankind besides the separation we create around us. The chaos, the loss of blood is from us to us. This is the time to awaken and unite to raise consciousness. Pray for Humanity, for praying brings an abundance of healing and forgive man for man knows not what he does.
Everyday, I think about her everyday but when I woke up this morning my soul wept. It wept because it reminded this was the date that she made her transition, a year ago. We communicate with one another daily but it doesn’t change the fact she is no longer in this 3D form of existence.
A few days ago she told me that I need to go to church because I had been contemplating going on a solo hike, she insisted that I go to church instead, so I did. I was late but I got to service before it ended. Reverend was giving spirit greetings and within 5 minutes Spirit directed her to me. She immediately brought in my Grandmother and I just wept loudly. No one in service knew what today meant, no one. I’m not surprised either. As soon as I stepped into the church my vibrational frequency changed from a lower level to a higher loving level.
I spoke to the Reverend after church and she advised me to grab a white candle to acknowledge her day before going into a deep meditation. I brought the candle and have it lit next to her photo. I’m in bed now because grieving is exhausting but I’ll be okay. Her Spirit has never left me just her body, yet a part of me will always grieve her passing. Her Spirit is always with me but I’m still human.
Earlier today, fellow blogger The Dragonfly nominated me for the “Blogger Recognition Award” and let’s just say, this made my soul smile! I am reading this post rather late but all the same I’m honestly highly honored.
I want to give a HUGE thank you to this sweet soul for adding my blog to her nominee list, honestly made my night.
The Dragon Fly‘s blog resonates with my higher self as am I am currently in the mood of transformation. It’s also very interesting that whenever I go hiking I am always guided by a dragonfly, it’s as if they are guiding and supporting me as I continue to ascend higher, spiritually of course! If you’re into positive affirmations and support towards transformation, you’ll love her blog!
THE RULES ARE:
Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
Write a post to show your award.
Give a brief story of how your blog started.
Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers.
Select 15 other bloggers, or however many you want to give this award to.
Comment on each blog and let them know you have nominated them & provide link to the post you created.
The Freespirited was created as a platform to submit my feelings and ideas to but it too has been transforming into a site for those who are seek spiritual understanding and development to find answers and resonance. I’ve been blogging for two years but have been writing for about 20 years. I’m not bohemian, just a free spirit, seeking and spreading truth as I know it! In love and light.
My two pieces of advice to new bloggers are:
Be comfortable – Write because you can. Write because you feel the need to ; whatever the reason, write because it’s your form of expression. Be comfortable with the content that you seek to write.
Don’t be afraid to reach out and talk to someone – I have no problems contacting others, just ask any of my nominees! If someone reaches out and comments on your post, don’t be afraid to engage in conversation with them because you never know what you can build and or share with one another!
Last night my sister and I traveled to San Francisco to attend a concert. Normally from Sacramento it’s takes an hour and a 1/2 but since we left at 5:30pm, we were expecting to get there in 2 and 1/2 hours because of rush hour traffic, but we were wrong. An hour later we entered into the city where we met the most of our traffic. I have an exteme anxiety of driving in SF due to the high hills so I prayed for comfort as I exited off of the 101. Next, I asked my guides specifically to help me find close and FREE parking and I found both minutes later.
Hazel English is a 25 year old Oakland based Australian Indie artist. I found her one day last year while listening to an Indie mix on Spotify. If you’re into the Indie genre check her out, you’ll love her! She’s got a 60’s vibe about her from the clothing she wears you the essence she sends out onto the world.
My sister and I were originally the first pair in line but after going back to the car and grabbing my sister’s sweater we came back second in line. The two ladies in front of us were San Jose natives who extended warmness and familiarity. As soon as the doors were opened we walked into the venue and Hazel walks in front and a across from where I’m standing in the darkened lit room and I yell, “Hazel” as she turns around. I then embarrassingly ask, “Can I take a picture with you”, which she replies, “Sure but after the show”. I felt like a little kid and I knew my face was red from the embarrassment I felt. Here I am 28 years old, geeking out when I see another (talented) human being just feet from where I was standing. All in all she put on an amazing show and displayed some of her era sticken moves which I wished I had recorded on my Snapchat!
Spirit is always with us readily available to assist with anything, all we need to do is ask. Although, I asked for small things, Spirit was there so why wouldn’t there be there when I ask for “big” things?
While you’re pondering that question just go ahead and listen to her, here’s a link from Amazon Music, it’s her new album, Just Give In/ Never Going Home Again. You’re thank you in advance!
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