I am an old soul learning, living, and spreading love and light. I am also a Psychic Medium but I prefer to be known as a Sensitive or an Intuitive. I'm in grad school learning how to become a licensed professional clinical counselor and use my experience in counseling whenever I give readings. So drop a line and stay a while or for a moment in time! I would love to hear from you! In love and light!
While listening to Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast episode (Podcast Addict) featuring an interview with the late and great Maya Angelou, I cried inside missing the voice of my beloved Grandmother. As Maya spoke I was reminded of truest fact that hold true within the entire Universe that love does not die, instead it saves and it stays with us, within and completing us.
Grief is experienced even from a medium, one who communicates with the dead, although dead of the body is not one’s true ending it is still as emotion even I constantly work through. In the words of Maya Angelou:
“I know for sure that love saves me”
Even though my Grandmother, my greatest love, is no longer in this 3D existence, her love for me will always save me and never abandon me. Love saves and aides all.
I’ve been having dreams as of lately (this past Friday 3/2) of my family that made it possible for me to be and it has left an emotional mark on me. My grandparents basically raised me but unlike a lot of grandparents who raised their grandchildren, my parents were also in the picture, so really it was an entire family raising my sister and I. My grandparents though, we the definition of a loving relationship, what a real marriage looks like. In every picture taken my Grandmother is always looking at my Grandfather with such love, no wonder why I love that way that I do. These are my maternal grandparents. If you’ve been following me for a while or from the beginning you would know how much my Grandmother’s presence in my life greatly impacted me. It will be two years in August that she has transitioned back to Spirit and 8 years for my Grandfather, yet when I’m going through a really hard time I feel their presence ever so strongly.
On Friday I woke up crying from a dream about my Grandparents. I woke up in grief. In my dream I was in a fairly large house full of chaos and I wanted to see my Grandfather. I found my Grandmother and asked her where he was and she told me he had “gone home to Louisiana”.
I called him and pleaded with him at this point to come back because I needed him and all he said was that he was home and he couldn’t be where I was anymore. Shortly after that my Grandmother informed that she too would be going home soon. I tried to process this while I was asleep but I woke up to a wet pillow. I’m currently in a state of transition, trying to figure out what is the best fit for me, what it looks like and what it feels like. It’s difficult to process and I’ve been really struggling with it now and of lately. The rest of the day I was depressed and in mourning because I miss being able to go to my Grandmother for a hug or a smile but whenever I’ve ever really needed her she’s always been available for me and that has never stopped. I’ve thankful to be so intuned to Spirit because I need to know that my Grandmother has never left me, her Spirit is the most important to me; soul mate connection.
I don’t know about your family but mine is “extra” but then again I’m a member of it so that means I’m extra too lol. I digress, my family is great! A few years ago they started a recognition award and the relative who gets recognized each year gets to choose who the award goes to the following year and so forth.
Last Saturday was our family holiday gathering. I was having a rough evening but I was around family so I was in the best place imaginable. I declined to play games with the family and watched the festivities happening around me. Then my aunt announced it was time to honor the previous relative this year (why, I’m not sure but I listened and was prepared to root her on). Claudia, my older cousin was awarded the year before and our uncle had some endearing words for her, it was touching you hear, then Claudia started talking about someone who always brightens a room with their presence and I remember thinking, “Wow this person sounds amazing”. I started twiddling my thumbs waiting for the speech to be over and then she said, “This year I chose Amber”.
Tears fell freely before I could accept what was just said. Me? She was talking about me the entire time, little ol’ me, weird strange ol’ me was being recognized by my family. Growing up I’ve always felt different from everyone around me and I was raised interacting mostly with my maternal side of the family. My Dad didn’t go around his side of the family often so my relationship with them began in my teenage and early adulthood. But anyways back to the story…
Claudia had gifted me with three very special items: a silver engraved business card case with Amber Choisella (first and middle name) on the front and a phrase of inspiration on the back. I would quote it but it’s at home and well, I’m not there at the moment. The second quick was a journal with “A. Choisella” engraved on the latch and lastly the third gift which is what I am holding in the picture above was the most precious of all three involved. She had drawn three pictures depicting the course of “discovery”, in which it was entitled. She had said that whenever I get my own private practice that I put it in my office to show clients that through each storm comes strength and continuous growth. I wish I had gotten a better angle of the picture to show its true beauty but I am thankful for the photo I received. I cried hysterically but you can’t see it in the photo. I am so touched that my family “understands” me and my route of truth.
By no mean do I feel as though I am better than anyone else. I feel as though I need to say this as a disclaimer of sorts because I’m no better than you, or the next person, I’m just tryna live my life per my soul mission. This was the highest honor that I have received this year and each day I realize the want for wants are decreasing and I’m just living in the moment of gratitude.
Abuse is never to okay but the experience alone is only inspired for growth. At the age of 18 I met a guy who I had no interest in building a long term fulfilling relationship with, yet he was right on time on this journey I call life. Michael was not my type, we had nothing really in common with one another but he was obsessed with me and at the tender age of 18 I felt intrigued by that. I felt a drawing to his “need” for me. I am a nurturer and it was as if he knew that and never wanted to let go. The relationship was very tumultuous, draining, and I become someone I didn’t even know. I started to mirror his behaviors and I became a monster. It was my only defensive mechanism against him. The cheating, hitting, the emotional lacerations that never were allowed to heal, to the moments I felt like I would die without him, without the dysfunction that became my normality.
Broken people hurt and break other people. With that said, it was a vicious cycle that ended in a physical altercation with one of the mother of his children, consistent harassment and attacks, which ultimately led to a 5 year restraining order. Fast forward to 7 years later, when I felt a strong desire to trek onto a psilocybin journey and so I did. The journey began with feelings that came up from the traumatic history I had with him and initially I was frustrated because I didn’t want this to be a bad trip and it wasn’t. I journeyed onward past him but that’s another story. If you want to read the rest about my trip check out My Psilocybin Trip. Anyways, so I haven’t seen him since I had him served with a restraining order and I thought everything had been worked through but I was wrong because the next day when I walked directly past him, even with a strong and seemingly nonchalant face, my inside was chaotic, spewing swords and stones, and so it was I broke down. Not because I realized I had feelings for him but because of the releasing I was still doing. The psilocybin uncovered the trauma and brought it to the surface and the Universe allowed us to cross each other presenting an opportunity to heal.
Will I ever forget all that he did to me, no, am I able to forgive myself for the mirroring that I did within the relationship and harm that I had done, yes. Since I do I have a clinical counseling background in addition to attending counseling myself, I understand that broken people hurt and break other people and then I entered into a space of loving-kindness. Loving self is more than just individual, it’s the ability to forgive yourself and others and be able to see others as another soul just trying to stay on track of their own soul contract, their own reasoning for incarnation. I’m by no means stating that abuse is okay because it’s not; understanding where you stand in all the chaos and finding your strength, ability, and wisdom out of the situation is the most fulfilling lesson, in hindsight. Psilocybin granted passage for me to heal trauma and release energy that was no longer needed within my root and sacral chakras. Healing is powerful, you are powerful, never forget your origins. You are of the Universe Baby, remember that always.
*Inserted a picture of driving through Washington state for its tranquility.
Last night I had a dream. In the dream I was surrounded by bears. It frightened me because bears poses an imminent threat to humans if we’re too close, yet upon waking up I KNEW that this was a symbolic dream. Upon researching I found an article entitled, Bear Spirit Animal and found these meanings:
The bear has several meanings that will inspire those who have this animal as totem:
The primary meaning of the bear spirit animal is strength and confidence
Standing against adversity; taking action and leadership
The spirit of the the bear indicates it’s time for healing or using healing abilities to help self or others
The bear medicine emphasizes the importance of solitude, quiet time, rest
The spirit of the bear provides strong grounding forces
It felt amazing. I had my first healing session of Reiki today and I have to admit I did not anticipate on feeling so tired afterwards, honestly. So before I tell you the after effects let me tell you the story first.
I am training as a counselor here in Sacramento, CA and the site that I’m with, my supervisor happens to be a Reiki Master. This is a fact that I have recently just found out, but it’s another colleague of mine who performed reiki today. She rents a room in the office to perform Reiki for clients (outside of the mental health counseling field). I asked for a session since she will also be training me as well. She is a Reiki Master too. It’s so interesting that this is the route I’m going now, because it appears it’s what’s surrounding me right now. Ok ok, now the session…
I had an hour session. She asked what areas I wanted more attention on and I told her to focus more on my throat and sacral areas. I asked for my ancestors, loved ones, and Guardian Angels to come in and assist as well. I started to feel the energy as soon as she started. Once she made it to my lower chakras I immediately felt the strong urge to urinate, as if I had been holding it forever so we took a break and I ran to the bathroom to relieve my bladder and the released energy my body was no longer holding onto. I went back into the room and when we started up again, I felt a strong chill from the top of my head straight down to the bottom of my feet, multiple times. Following this sensation I felt the presence of other healers working on me as well, I felt that they were ancestral, but that was all the information I received. I didn’t question it, I just accepted the flow and everything that was happening within and beside me. I also had a flashback to a past life of when I was in Ancient Egypt. I was looking up at a wall made out of gold. I did not see any hieroglyphics but it felt familiar and then I was back in the present moment. When she was done with the healing she informed me that she too picked up some past life stuff relating to my sacral chakra and felt the energy of my ancestors as well during the healing session.
As I said before, this was an amazing experience. Which leads me to my previous question, how am I going to be trained for energy healing if I’ve never experienced it, that’s not honest, in my eyes. I am so excited and on board with this journey that I’m embarking upon consistently. I have started my E-book, The 5 Keys to Becoming Spiritually Confident, so please be on the lookout for it very soon!
Today is my last day with the organization that I currently work for. It’s been almost of year of true hardships and major growth! Growth is not easy and if it were it wouldn’t be worthy. I’ve spent a lot of time being miserable but once I was able to accept my surroundings I was able to open my eyes and receive the gift of the present. I amended some broken relationships and then it was time for me to leave. I am proud of my growth and am excited to the new chapter in my professional role as counselor!!!!