Depression is my Un-Routed Road to New Beginnings

Depression is common and it’s treatable. I’m NOT ashamed to say I’m depressed. Yesterday I just wanted to stay in bed away from the outside world but because I’m loved I wasn’t allowed to. Instead I was brought out to Berkeley to watch the sunset out in the bay. Everyday is different, so when people ask me how I’m doing, I just say I’m doing _____ right now.

A week before I knew she would pass I reached out for grief counseling. I missed my first appointment last week due to living in a blur all week so my second first session is on the 31st. It’s good to recognize what you need and to find the needed resources to help you through any crisis life throws your way. We all grieve differently from one another… this is part of how I grieve….

 

Greater than Grief; Spirit Communication

Two weeks before my grandmother passed I asked if she could come back to me in Spirit so I could see and make sure that she would be okay, even though I knew she would be, but the request definitely was for my own ease of mind. She said she didn’t know if she could but if she could she would come back to me. 

I had no idea that she would leave her body so soon after we had that conversation. Heartbreaking, yet heartbroken is probably the reason why she hasn’t been able to come through.

Through synchronicity today I was told by two people and while listening to one of my podcasts, “Grief may be the reason why Spirits aren’t able to communicate, it creates a blockage. Love is the only way that Spirit can come through. Instead of grieving I need to continue the love that I have for her.

When I was 21 years young I had a conversation with my grandmother that created an even closer bond between her and I. She told me that one day she had me and twin in a stroller and had taken us to the grocery store. A woman came up to her and asked her if she knew which one of us was the spiritual one. She said she didn’t know and the woman pointed to me and said that I was the spiritual one. From then on out Babe never doubted what I told her and she was my number one confidant when it came to discussing my spiritual communication and experiences. She even came to my Spiritualist church to watch my first talk on the podium. These are the  things I will always remember, these are the moments that’s gotta be greater than grief. 

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Looking down the cliff in Mendocino. 

Migraines, Nausea, and Grief

I’m sitting in a dentist chair waiting for my examination and I can’t help but to think about my sudden migraine attack earlier this afternoon.

After lunch I suddenly felt faint and a throbbing pain in my right eye which indicated an oncoming migraine. I waited too long to take some Excedrin Migraine pills and suddenly I felt that the little bit of lunch I just had would come up as I kept running to the bathroom, worshipping the Porcelain King. I’ve NEVER experienced a migraine of this amplitude… 

And it’s all because of grief. I guess I’m not handling this well, guess I’m really not as strong as people keep telling me. Whelp, my grief counseling begins on Friday…. relief is in sight….hopefully sooner than later….

Missing You

I feel like I’m walking within a fog. No matter how spiritual I am, no matter my inner truths, I’m human and I’m heartbroken. 

Yesterday when you left this existence I found myself in a thrift store, searching, soul searching, waiting to hear from you. Upon paying for my purchase I turn to my right and I find this pendant that says, Special Grandmother, what are the odds of coming across this? 

I knew that was a message from you, but still I’ll be forever missing you. My heart will heal eventually….

On Death & Dying

Anyone who is familiar with this subject knows about Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Kubler-Ross spent her professional career caring for and investigating the subject of death and dying. She is the one who coined the phrase of, “death denying society”, in which the majority of the world rests within. Society doesn’t like or feel comfortable about this topic even though it is a natural part of life; the inevitable end one of one’s journey and the beginning of the next. This is by no means to negate the fact that experiencing death and dying is often a painful both physically and emotionally aspect of life.

I speak freely about my experiences because it aids me on own path, to live in my truth is everything to me. The quotes from Kubler-Ross that best resonates with what I’m experiencing now are as followed:

“When we have passed the tests we are sent to Earth to learn, we are allowed to graduate. We are allowed to shed our body, which imprisons our souls.”
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross(The Wheel of Life, 1997)

“Death is simply a shedding of the physical body like the butterfly shedding its cocoon. It is no different from taking off a suit of clothes one no longer needs. It is a transition to a higher state of consciousness where you continue to perceive, to understand, to laugh, and to be able to grow.”
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross(Life Lessons, 2000)

Again, this does not pacify nor rectify my feelings about death and dying; change of any kind is difficult. Yet, it’s never really a goodbye, more like, a see ya sooner than later.

I posted about my methods of moving through grief through another blog site that I write with, BayArt, if interested please check it out.

This is a difficult time for me so thank you for allowing me a space for me to be honest and open about my feelings. It’s hard, and that is definitely an understatement. Since I am studying mental health counseling I am seriously considering on getting some counseling to aid me along with this process so that I can receive more help and learn how to assist other’s on this specific journey throughout my counseling career.

Yes, I am listening to the Peanuts Track List, entitled, Feeling A Bit Like Charlie Brown, on my Spotify, it’s another one of my coping strategies, jazz does that for me.

Snoopy and Grief

Swimming Beside Fish

You know, I could pop a pill or two,  take a drink or two, or maybe smoke a blunt or two, not to erase my sorrows but to sink further within them…. it’s tempting

YET, because of his love for me he knew where I needed to be… out within the trees, allowing me to breathe, climbing underneath a bridge of the trail to a creek. So I can go beneath and cry…

Re-taught me how to swim, he helped me find my equilibrium.

Number 43

Synchronicity is something that is HUGE for me because it brings so much meaning within my spiritual understanding of coincidences. My great friends from The Tree of Awakening gives credit to the great psychotherapist and psychologist Carl Jung for the definition of synchronicity;

Carl Jung who originally used the term synchronicity in his 1952 essay, “Synchronicity: An Acausal Connecting Principal”, to describe chance happenings between unconnected people or events.

With that said, I’ve been seeing the number 43 for about a year now, even more so than ever before. I see it everywhere, when I look out the window when I’m driving, it’ll be on license plates, gas prices, clocks, phone times, songs, books, EVERYWHERE! I’m always intrigued because I know the Universe and Spirit is communicating with me. Something is in the works of beginning reality.

Last year I wrote a letter to the Universe describing exactly what I wanted and needed in a male partner. I made a list of I think 10 or 13 characteristics, placed it in my purse and forgot about it. About 30 days later I met the man who grew into being the love of my life. I can’t give all of my credit to an Infinite Source because I had to place myself within a space that I could focus on myself and let go of past transgressions and attract what I really needed in a partner. He was all but one of my characteristics; it was around that time I started being cognizant of the number 43.

Lately, I’ve been working on manifesting supplemental income with pet sitting since my love, Mamas, transitioned. I realized that bringing other pets into my life by taking care of them for a short amount of time could help heal my aching heart and supply monetary value. As of yesterday I finally landed my first client, Harlow, which I will write a separate post about because of her complexities and sensitivities. I’ve officially started pet sitting!

Lastly, I’m been focusing on my mediumship and spiritual development so that I can use my abilities for spiritual counseling. I came across the podcast, The Big Seance Podcast that had an episode featuring UK medium ,Claire Broad. I resonated with her so much that I had to reach out to her and tell her my story. She responded and thanked me for reaching out to her because I gave her the encouragement and confirmation that she is living her life’s mission, which is how she made me feel. This past Sunday I gave a spirit greeting in church to a woman I never met. The message I received from Spirit had something to do with a dog and the beach. After service we spoke and she confirmed that what I had brought her was a significance in her life. It was beyond exciting!!!!! Not to mention the almost daily conversations I have with one of my many kindred soul’s and fellow blogger Molly, and the fact that we’re so connected, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!!! 

I’m not sure what is getting ready to occur but I recognize it, appreciate it, and most importantly believe only greatness will happen!

Number 43

Visit from Papa

Sometimes when we dream we dream of loved ones who have since passed. Sometimes those dreams feel so real, just like a real interaction, and most of the time they are.

My Papa was actually my Great Uncle, but he’s always been my Papa ever since I can remember despite that fact I had a wonderful grandfather, his brother-in-law. Hopefully I haven’t confused you… but growing up my sister and I would travel to Reno, NV to spend the summers with our Grannie & Papa and he would always give us talks of wisdom about life, the importance of education, and money management to name a few; ultimately he was preparing us for adulthood. Unfortunately he passed away when I was 12 so I’ve always felt like I needed his guidance, yet he has never left me.

When I was around 15 or 16 I had a very very vivid dream of him. I was in an open field of waving green tall grass. The air was perfect, nice with a comfortable breeze when I smelled the scent of his cologne. His scent was very specific. I turned around to find him right by my side. He spoke to me with urgency and sorrow. He kept repeating that  “it was unfair, it was unfair but everything will be okay, this will make you stronger”, like he was preparing me for something, warning me about something to come. Not long after my mother had her first manic episode that I could actually remember and the roles changed from adult to child to child to adult; I had to grow up quick and make sure that my mom had the proper care she needed. He was right.

Papa doesn’t visit often but when he does he always has a message to gift me so it didn’t necessarily surprise me when he found me again last night.

In my dream I was walking within a busy strip mall trying to find coffee when I came across this house with an older man sitting on the porch. I felt drawn to the house although I did not recognize it, I followed my instinct and it led me to my Papa. He turned around and said, “I’ve been waiting for you”. I felt excited to see him because I miss him, naturally. I asked him what he meant and he told me it was time for me to know…

My Grannie was one of my favorite people, beside my grandmother (her sister) because she was so fashionable, so entertaining, just someone I resonated with. When she passed it was sad naturally but it was even sadder because she suffered from dementia before she passed. It had gotten to the point that I stopped visiting her in the convalescent home she resided in after suffering a stroke because it broke my heart seeing her in the condition she was in. Anyways, this is what my Papa wanted to talk to me about….. he explained that the reason why I haven’t been visited by her was because the state of mind that she was in when she passed made her believed that myself along with her family  had abandoned her before she passed and that she’s still in that state of mind in spirit. It’s interesting that he would tell me this, the day of her sister’s funeral…..

I initially brushed this off as just a dream until I had a conversation with one of my co-workers this morning. He, we’ll call him Mr. Suave, comes and chats with me from time to time and this morning he talked me to me about his family and in particular his Uncle Rick. When he described his uncle, the resemblance of character was identical to my Papa who in reality was my great-uncle, I knew then this wasn’t a dream but an actual visit!

Spirit communication during the time the body sleeps is not uncommon because it’s an active time for the mind to be awake, for the soul to listen and understand. Some people will read this and think it’s all part of my subconscious mind playing itself out but spiritually grounded people will understand and appreciate this truth I present.

Oakland & Cold Brew

Hilly streets, anxiety, and the yearning to be with family, that was my yesterday. Here now, I’m sitting in Starbucks waiting for my order and I can’t help but wish I was in bed, away from society, away from the expectation of being happy and all smiley and shit….

No. Instead I wish I could live within the yesterday, with my family. Mourning. I just want to be with my love and my family, that energy is everything. But here I am drinking my cold brew with coconut milk and waiting for my breakfast sandwich no cheese, to cool for my breakfast to commence.

Oh and then I remember I have an interview for my fieldwork placement beginning next year and a teleconference with my academic advisor…. As much as that should be a priority, I really wish I could say fuck it, fuck it all today…. I just wanna go back to East 23rd street, in the many many yesterday’s.